I am not sure what having a portrait of myself is all about, however the opportunity presented itself. A photograher
Shannon Stark, asked for a price on one of my recent paintings and so we traded !
I really very rarely take a good picture. I can’t fake a smile.
I am happy with the photos. I look like myself – or at least how I see myself.
I seem to have a shift happening going back to the “wheel” the “circle” and feathers. These are things I painted a long time ago. The Native mood of my early work got left behind at some point and I am now moved to return to this work.
I love working with a black surface and using metallic paints. Now if I could just clean my drafting table off of all the “stuff” that has landed there in the past week or so …………… I could keep painting.
This is from left to right Keegan my oldest grandson, his dad Dave my daughter Liz, my daughter-in-law Chantal and my son Jeff, up front is Taryn and Aislin and Erika and Justin.
Aren’t I blessed !!
Today is my 1st day without a headache since New Years. The doctor tells me the non-narcotic pain medication that I have been taking apparently can cause headaches if taken for too long.
Why did I not know this, why have I not been told this before?
Only through my connection to Spirit can I recover. It matters not what I am trying to overcome I cannot do it on my own. I have experienced this over and over – experience is a great teacher however we must choose to learn the lesson or it keeps coming back.
I have been contemplating the thoughts of; am I depressed? am I sad? What is all this about? I have decided to take a herbal supplement called 5HTP to up my serotonin levels. In the program of recovery we are reaching for a state referred to as Happy Joyous and Free ……………. how does one measure these feelings.
I do not have a lot to be unhappy about ………… perhaps a little lonely once in a while. Unhappy with my physical condition. Freedom?
It occurs to me that only through prayer and contact with Spirit am I truly content. By this I mean when I am praying regularly and trying to remain humble/teachable I am peaceful.
I have also committed to attend a grief group through Hospice Huntsville, I would like to explore my sadness a bit further. Many losses at once; even though it was 7 years ago, I lost my mother and my husband and my father within 20 months. Loss of a dream. My daughter moving far away felt devastating.
However the bottom line in all this is I look around the world and know that I am blessed; to live in this country, to live in Muskoka, to have a roof over my head and a vehicle to drive, a closet full of clothes and a fridge full of food. This is more than most people of the world have. I am grateful.
I am beginning to see that all of life is a process of letting go. It matters not what I am trying to hold on to; or what want to remain the same – everything is in process, ever changing.
The process of a piece of art I am working on, is frustrating at times, bringing self doubt and yet I press on.
Thoughts are never stagnant and yet thoughts can drive one mad when they take on an obsessive pattern, around and around in my mind. Luckily for me I recognize for the most part when I am obsessing. However the small stuff seems easy to let go of, to stop the obsession. It is the bigger stuff that apparently for me can move from obsession to addiction. The thing about addiction is it has a physical component to it. The one I struggle with right now is food. I am obsessed with food.
I am a recovering alcoholic ………. I have been sober 17 years and would no more want a drink that I would want to stab myself in the eye. I know drinking hurts – me and others. But what of food? One still has to eat.
However I know enough about addiction that this will kill me too. And I know that the mental obsession for alcohol was removed from me through the process of the 12 steps and with the help of a Power that I do not understand.
And I know that this same process works for hundreds of overeaters, folks who have had the obsession of food removed, who did it through the same 12 steps and the same Power and Grace that removed the alcohol obsession from me.
So what is it that I am refusing to let go of here ……… that is the question.
I stopped nicotine 7 years ago and have been eating my emotions instead of smoking them away. Instead of drinking them away. A friend I had not seen in many years told me I looked sad…………
What is this sadness, grieving, heaviness? mmm heaviness !!!
more to come ……………
My Painting shown below [ a couple of posts down ] called Moonset, has been chosen to be a part of the February art show at the Art Space In Huntsville. Being chosen by Brenda Wainman Goulet an artist who I admire for her Bronze Sculptures, is indeed a validation of my art.
I enjoy the process of creating so much that sometimes when I finish a piece I just think ” well I like it” then I tend to second guess myself and think ” will folks just think it’s a bunch of paper” and the it’s an easy process.
This is the second time I have been chosen in a juried show and with all of the artists there are in Muskoka I just need to feel honoured, to be a part of such a community.
These are hand drums I made and painted years ago.
this Painting with Paper is almost finished ………. I am not sure why it looks so blue when it is really green.
This is my newest torn paper collage called …….. for the love of paper. I need to photograph this again. I find this picture just does not do it justice and I plan on entering this for a juried show so nee a better photo.
so this is my family home from a Disney Cruise